I MOVED MY BLOG

It can now be found at:

http://thetateway.com

Fill-In-The-Blank

Dear Santa,

This Christmas I decided to go a different route and ask for ______________ instead of the usual ____________.

Based on my actions this year, I think you know _______________.

I look forward to seeing ___________ under the tree ____________.

Forever ________,
Me

As You Leave Me

So I decieded to start a photo blog. There's only one picture posted so far, but I'll post more soon. I hope you enjoy: As You Leave Me

Oh the smell...that Thanksgiving and Christmas cheer

It's that time of year again. The Holidays are upon us. The time of the year when people lose their minds. Yes, I said it. The Holidays make people crazy. With the last minute shopping trips, stressing over what color tinsel to put on the Christmas tree, and spending money on all kinds of crazy (beyond normal, everyday crazy) instead of paying bills.

Okay, so I understand. I love this time of year, especially when it means I can burn my Apple Cinnamon and Cranberry Delight/Everlasting Pine candles all day long. I love the warm fuzzy feeling I get when I hear Christmas music the day after Halloween (I'm not judging! I started listening to Christmas music last week.). But, folks we can not forget our priorities. Family. I'll say it one more time: Family. The whole point of the Holiday Season is to share that time with the people you love. You cook delicious meals so the people in your life can gather and enjoy each other's company.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what you are truly thankful for. It goes back to giving thanks for a successful fall harvest. Let yourself be thankful for your harvest.

Christmas is a time of year to celebrate our faith (in whatever form that may be) and to refocus on what we believe in. I was raised Roman Catholic and my favorite mass to go to was Midnight Mass (Christmas Eve). The church was lit by candle light and it was magical. I listened to every word, sang every song, socked everything in, and listened. Really listened. So many times, we forget that Christmas is not just about gifts. It is in short (and in my opinion) about celebrating family, winter, making it through another year, and faith - in ourselves, our family, our future, and our God. Sure, I give gifts and enjoy receiving them. But I don't knock other people over to get the last Teddy Ruxpin (oh, Teddy, how I wanted one of you to call my own). And I don't complain about the gifts I get (sure, I may re-gift, but that's different...).

So please, do not get bogged down in the craziness of The Holiday Season, no matter what you celebrate . We have enough crazies out there, we don't need anymore.

Oh, and for a great holiday gift idea, take a look at this. Or this (All kinds of great ideas through out).

There's something beyond those trees...

Every so often (okay, maybe more like everyday) I ask myself if it is okay for me to be single. I'm 27 (not so bad) with a child (the best thing I've ever made) and living the high life in the greatest state capital on Earth (okay, maybe Indianapolis is a little better and the "high life" is a GREAT exaggeration). But, when I'm laying in my bed at night I miss having.

Having someone who snores louder than me. Having someone who wears socks to bed. Having someone who gets up earlier than me, leaving me the entire bed and the smell of his pillow. I miss it. Plus it's always nice to have someone to have an intelligent, thought driven, thought provoking conversion with, while I'm on the cusp of sleep (hey, it can happen!). I really miss the companionship that a relationship brings.

But, I have the tendency to jump into relationships and settle, because I hate being alone. It has taken me 5 years to figure out that I am NEVER alone. I have my family and my friends. And I have my faith. And my faith tells me that the universe has a plan for me. The "fear of being alone" is a smokescreen for a lot of crap. I have to look past it everyday. I have to dig deeper everyday.

So, yes. It is okay for me to be single. It is better than okay to be single with a fantastic 3-year old who still asks me for hugs and kisses (and more hugs and kisses) before he falls asleep. I don't completely give up on the idea of being in a relationship, getting married, and having more kids.

I'm just waiting, not anxiously, but waiting none-the-less.

Is it that hard

I have a lot of things that annoy me. If you know me, you know that generally I am a laid back, no fuss kind of girl (at least that's what I like to think). But, big things, little things, tall things, short things, things of all kind annoy me. My BIGGEST annoyance is BEING LATE. Let me say it again. BEING LATE annoys me to no end. Saying you'll be at my house in 30 minutes and you show up 3 hours later is just not okay. Having no explanation to why you were late, is also not okay. And me telling you that being 2 1/2 hours late is a bad thing is REALLY NOT OKAY.

Question: Is it that hard to be on time?
Follow-up: Really how hard is it to call with an ETA?
Follow up to the follow-up: Why not call and say you are running late?

Okay, no one is on time 100% of the time. But can we at least aim for being on time more than 10% of the time? Please. I only have so much patience.

I will not rhyme over tracks

Life is interesting. Things/situations/people change. I change. But life is about change, right? It's about the journey, not the destination, right? I guess I've been spending too much time in the car (I mean minivan...grrrr) pondering life and listening to Talib Kweli. But, I want my journey to stand out. I want to leave my imprint on the world. I want to be different than that other 4'11'' gal down the street.

Like Saul Williams says...I will not rhyme over tracks, folks on the chain gang used to do that way back.

Don't be afraid to do your own.
Do You.
Be You.
Change You.

Why Geeks and Nerds Are Worth It...

I cannot take credit for this (I found it on Craig's List, by way of my favorite browsing tool, Stumble Upon), but I thought it was pretty interesting . I mean I love a guy with swagger, but maybe I should rethink my game plan. My favorite kind of guy: a smarty pants with swagger. Good mix of both worlds.

I will say one thing about the following article, it is pretty bias. I'm sure not all smart guys do not deserve to be called geeks and nerds. And it can go both ways -I'm sure some guys out there are looking for a gal with a big brain.

____________________________________________________________________

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they’re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are... plus, I’ve never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

2.) They’re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it’s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

3.) They’re more romantic than they’re given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such... but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like ‘em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like ‘em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

5.) They’ve got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

6.) Most are quite good at remembering dates. Like birthdates and such, especially if they know it’ll make you happy. Due again to their neglected status, they’re more attentive than guys who “have more options”. Plus, with all that down time without a steady girlfriend, they’ll likely have mental lists of all the things they’d love to do once they GOT a girlfriend.

7.) Sex. Yep. Sex. I’m not really familiar with this myself, but I’ve friends who’ve been intimate with geek guys and it’s raves all around. They say a virgin wrote the Kama Sutra... all that time thinking about sex, imagining sex, dreaming about sex, (they are male after all) coupled with a desire to make you happy? Use your imagination.

8.) They’re relatively low-maintenance. Most can be fueled on pizza, Twinkies and Mt Dew. No complicated dinners needed here, so if you’re not the best cook, eh. Can you order a pizza?

9.) Most frequent bars as often as slugs frequent salt mines. You won’t have to worry much about your geek guy getting his “groove” on with club hotties because, frankly, he’ll be too busy rooting around under his computer wondering where that spare cable went. You won’t have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he’ll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store. I’ve seen this happen.
Me: “Eww. Victoria Secret’s Models... They’re so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!”
Geek Guy: “ooooooo...”
Me: “Hey!” *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*
Geek Guy: “What?”
Me: “Never mind...”

10.) Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you’ll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he’ll take you to the ballet. Plus, if he doesn’t want to go someplace with you, you won’t have to worry much about what he’s up to. You’ll probably come home to find him asleep on his keyboard in a sea of Mt. Dew cans with code blinking from the screen. It’s ok. He’s used to this. Just toss a blanket over him and turn out the light.

11.) His friends aren’t jerks. I can’t stress this enough. You’ll more likely get “Omg! A GIRL!! Can I see?!” than “Hey hot stuff back that ass up here and let me get some grub on...” They’re awkward geeks too and will, 9 times out of 10, treat you with the utmost respect and, more than likely, a note of awe. A cute girl picked one of their clan to date? It could happen to them! Hope! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, open up a pack of Mt. Dew, crack open the DnD set and get working. Nothing impresses geek guys more than a girl who can hack-n-slash (well ok maybe if she can code... a geek can dream).

12.) They’re rarely if ever possessive. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won’t care. He does too! They won’t get pissy if you don’t wear make-up or don’t want to bother primping your hair. If you gain a few pounds, they won’t try their best to make you feel like crap.

13.) They’re usually very well educated. Physics majors and the like. See #5. You won’t have to listen to him blathering on about his car (ok maybe a little), he’ll have loads of other interesting things to talk about. Politics, world events, how much the chicken burgers down at the local place rock, so long as you douse them in hot sauce...

14.) You’ll almost never have to hear, “Yaw dawg whazzap!!” plop out of their mouths. Unless it’s in jest. They spell properly, use correct punctuation, and are able to tell the difference between the toilet and the floor. They almost never get “wasted”, so you won’t have to worry about coming home to find him and his friends passed out on the floor amidst a pile of beer bottles. Mt. Dew cans, perhaps...

15.) And the final reason why geeks and nerds make great boyfriends: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that’s a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you. That kind of thing lasts longer than “DaMN baby you got a fine ass!!!” Believe me.

Dating Etiquette

We all know that etiquette is important. And I will dare say that etiquette is even more important on a date. Good thing for us, the rules are already established on numerous websites, including the one below:
http://www.topdatingtips.com/dating-etiquette.htm

Here are some highlights from the site:
+You will make an effort to be fresh and smell good. I cannot believe I have to mention hygiene to men (and the odd woman !) so frequently. You should be shaven, bathed and smell very good. It costs nothing except a bottle of good quality cologne and some shower gel.

+Eye contact is crucial when dating so it is good etiquette to provide as much attention as possible to your date. They should feel that they are the only person in the room. If you use the date as an excuse for general partying you failed.

I'm just going to say it: If you have to look up dating etiquette before you take that lucky guy out, then maybe you should just stay home. In all fairness, we don't know all the rules. But, if you have to be told to take a shower, then your dating card should be revoked.

The Handbook, Part 2

As we all know guys are not the only ones who need help when it comes to dating. Sometimes us ladies could use some lessons.

The Handbook
Volume 2: How Not to Date, Ladies Edition

Chapter 1: Be a Lady at All Times
Are you really wearing that?

Chapter 2: Someone Has to Be in Charge
Why "whatever you like" is never a sufficient answer.

Chapter 3: Your Date Shouldn't be Afraid of You
Being an independent woman isn't the same thing as being a bully.

Chapter 4: Your cue that the date is over
"Yeah, I was just telling my girlfriend and/or wife..."

Chapter 5: Do Not Break Your Own Rules
If you can't follow them, he never will.

If you missed the first installment of The Handbook, take a look at it here.

Turkey makes me too sleepy...

I met this guy (no questions about how!), and he started calling and texting me everyday. I tell no lies folks. Every. Single. Day. At first it was endearing (for like the first 7 days). I even consulted one of my friends and she said, "It just means that he cares." Okay, I get that. He cares. But I really don't care to have him call me everyday. I enjoy my space. I enjoy my single life. I enjoy not being responsible for calling you back dude. I mean we aren't even dating.

As the days rolled into weeks, I began to get highly annoyed at him and his 5 times a day calling and texting habit. My cell phone would ring Please, don't let it be him and I'd have a mini debate with myself about the pros and cons of answering the phone. But, each time I would answer. I'm a nice person and I believe in seeing things out, seeing if things will change. Maybe I thought I could salvage this into a friendship. Maybe.

One night we were actually having a decent conversation UNTIL he invites me over for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm sorry, what did you just ask me? We had only know each other for about 3 weeks and Thanksgiving was 8 months away.

I didn't know what to say. I mean what do you say to that? "Ummm, thanks for the invite, but I don't even like Thanksgiving dinners..."

From the Mouths of Babes

Picture this:
A sunny afternoon in New York City. A fantastically dressed gal is chatting on the phone while shopping. Then she sees him: football physique, dressed well, and of course he has his stunner shades on. But there's one problem. Wait, I take that back, there are two problems: he looks like he just ran 20 blocks to get to the store and he opens his mouth and says this, "Can I use your phone?" Why? "So I can put my phone number in it." Ummmm, how about a NO.

So, kids, next time you have a pick-up line you can't wait to use, please be observant of yourself (profuse sweating is a guaranteed SHUT DOWN) and the lovely young lady you are speaking to (dude, I'm on the phone, so please stop talking to me).

Nothing to Do with a Whole Lot

I just want to say, Craig, my boy, you are not reeling in the chicks with that cat attached to your crouch.
Shout out to Chris for bringing this issue out in the open.

Here's the Thing

Believe it or not, the other night my friend and I were rejected while mingling at a club.

Yes, I said it: REJECTED.

Imagine this scene: The two of us gals are standing around, talking to each other and a couple of other people we know. Then he walks up and starts talking to my friend. Immediately I hear her throw out the alternate name. Not a good sign for him. After she successfully stonewalls him, he moves onto me. I'm only like 1 foot away from her, but that means nothing to him.

The FIRST thing out of his mouth was, " You could be Bow Wow's little sister. Ya'll got the same daddy?" Ummm, what? Then he continues to careen down the same path. "If you take a picture of him and take a picture of you and Photoshop them into the same picture, blah, blah, blah, I'm just saying." Really? I ask him, doesn't that seem like a lot of unnecessary work? He agrees, and tells me, I could still be Bow Wow's little sister. About 20 minutes later he walks back up to me and grabs my hand and tries to walk me off with him. I don't move and take my hand back. "Where are you taking me?", I ask. He says, "To the top baby, to the top, if you want me to". OMG, you did not just say that to me. I mean, that would have been cute/funny from a guy I was interested in, but coming from him it was a no go. Another 20 minutes passes, and he walks up to me and my friend and says, "This is the last time I'm going to talk to you two", then he turns his back to us and does this hand waving, you got served, thing.

What the hell, is he for real?

Don't get me wrong, I've been rejected plenty of times, just not after giving the strongest signals EVER that I was not interested (and even the I'm not going anywhere with you, even to the dance floor speech). But, hey we all do what we have to do to save face in front of people we will never see again.

He's Just Not That into You...

...So STOP chasing him. I've had to tell that to myself way too many times. Is dating really a race? Do two people really need to chase after each other? My answer is no. If two people are really into each other, there should be no chasing; there should be courting and candle light, and good times all around. But if either person is chasing: putting fourth all the effort, showing up "randomly" at a place you know he or she will be (I'm pretty sure that's stalking), or just calling and texting, even when the calls and texts are not returned in any timely fashion; then you're CHASING. Cease and Desist, do not pass go, do not collect your $200.

So, I decided to cruise the web to see what advice others had to offer on dating. And you wouldn't believe how many sites are dedicated to dating and relationships. What happened to talking to your friends? Are we that embarrassed to talk to our friends about our dating and relationship issues? And if you are that embarrassed, maybe you should start to question what you have been doing. Or are you afraid to talk to your friends because they are all either married, engaged, or in long term relationships? They weren't birthed into their current relationship, so why not talk to them?

But, if after talking to your friends and you feel like you still are lost, you might want to consider picking up a book. My favorite, by far is by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo called "He's Just Not That Into You". I've been wanting to read this book - I actually might go hop into my car (I mean minivan...grrr), right now, and go buy it. I've been living that mantra for the last 4 months. And it has saved me from being that "desperate" girl, because believe me, you don't want her at the party. And I will of course pick up Greg's other book, written with Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (Greg's wife of 5 years) called "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken". And that's also another mantra of mine. Is Greg reading my mind? Maybe I should be getting some royalties...

Sittin...

It's an interesting experience to sit in the airport and people watch on a Monday night. As I sit here, listening to Corrine Bailey Rae, I look around and wonder what each person's "state of relationship is". Corrine makes me reflect on all things love and relationships. So of course I have no choice but to reflect on my "state of relationship".

It's not like a fancy the "State of the Union" speech. But, if I had to give it a shot, my "state of relationship" would go something like this:
"Yes, it's been a hard couple of years, but things are looking up. And my 5 step action plan will put us in the right direction. Step 1: NEVER, EVER relax your standards EVER again. It only leads down a long dark road I prefer not travel. Step 2: If a potential suitor has no life plan, then it's a no go. I have a had enough time planning my life and working that plan, I don't need to figure out his too. Step 3: It's okay for not to be in a relationship. I've been a serial relationship-ist since I was 16 years old. I think it's time for me to take a slight break. Step 4: Don't make impulse decisions. It takes so much time and effort to recover from them. Step 5: I will love myself, completely, flaws and all. If I don't love me, I can't expect to love anyone else, fully, and have them love me unconditionally. As you will come to see in the upcoming months, this plan will work, as long as we give it out all and make no excuses for not following it."

So, there you have it, my"state of relationship". What's yours?

The Handbook

As suggested by Angela (shout out to all my folks in Harlem) I've formulated the table of contents for the handbook that might be necessary for some of the men we have had the misfortune to date.

Volume I: How Not to Date
Chapter 1: You Want to do What?!
Appropriate and Inappropriate things to say and do

Chapter 2: Really?
Stop talking WAY before you sound like a d-bag.

Chapter 3: Wait, who's paying for this little excursion tonight?
How to get Her to Respect You after She finds out You Do Not Have a Job.

Chapter 4: How do I say this nicely?

When to cut your loses and take her home.

Chapter 5: Dude, you just threw-up on me.
Don't go for the wasted look, it doesn't look good on you.

...more to come...

What Dating Really Is...

So, the truth is out. Leave it to Vince Vaughn...

M.A.T.C.H dot C.O.M

I won't be embarrassed at all, I'm just going to come out and say it. YES, I signed up for match.com. YES, I decided I was tired of sitting at home wishing I had a cat to converse with. YES, I did it. You see the commercials. You wonder. And then there's Jay Manuel from ANTM telling you it's okay to look. I mean, who doesn't listen to Jay Manuel!?!? So, I tried it. I tried it because I'm a 27 year old going through a divorce. I tried it because dating after not dating for 4 years is pretty scary. So, match was my way of jumping over the "back in the dating game" hurtle. And it worked, like a charm - not saying that I'm out there dating it up. And I also won't say it made me realize how AWESOME I am (lol), my friends and family remind me of that everyday, in their own special ways. But it made me realize I have nothing to be scared of.

Plus now I have lots of funny stories (and actually some good ones) to share with my friends. But there was that guy from the gas station, that was my own damn fault, I can't blame match.com for that one.

How about a Play Date?

A play date? As opposed to a real date? "No", he says. "I think it would be cool if our kids..." Okay, TIME OUT - TECHNICAL FOUL, buddy, TECHNICAL FOUL! What makes it okay for our kids to get together if we haven't even been in the same place together for more than 3 hours. And no, you can't count the time it took to drive to the restaurant and drive me home. So here's what I say to the play date. Unless you are talking about us having a dress rehearsal for our date (which incidentally, I highly suggest), then I'm going to have to T you up and ask you to leave the game.

Pickin Men is like pickin apples

You know a date is headed in the wrong direction when:
1. You want to smack your date in the head with a miniature golf club.
2. Your date gets physically upset when you keep beating him at Tekken 3.
3. Your date almost cries when you say you're tired of whooping his ass at Tekken 3.
4.You sit on candy and he points and laughs at you.
5. You are offered an Icee as a means of wooing you.
6. You are more or less ignoring him at the dinner table because he keeps asking you why you are drinking grass. And this is still after telling him repeatedly that lemongrass is an herb, and you're not drinking Kentucky blue grass.
7. You get pissed when the waiter thinks you ordered the fish and not that beautiful 8 oz steak he's handing to your date.
8. He answers his phone during dinner and says he's having dinner with his Boo.
9. He touches your leg and you cock back to punch him.
10. He comes back from the bar with your beer and his pear cider.

Yeah buddy, I sure do know how to pick 'em.

What will your t-shirt say?

My t-shirt simply states, "If you're thinking Red Lobster, you're thinking WRONG!"

Beth (http://www.myowntwosticks.com), Kate (http://www.katefranco.com), and I were talking about the idea of making t-shirts that accomplish a couple of goals:
1. Lets people know a little about you ("I like to Say Poop") or
("I tend to gesture with my feet").
2. wards off the crazies ("No, I will not drive by your house to see if I like it enough to come in!") or ("My marionette thinks you're hot!").

So, what will your t-shirt say?

My Brand of Crazy

Well, here it goes. Two of my rather wonderful friends gave me the idea for this blog. In the past few months I've had concentrated instances of really bad dates. Yes, the kind that makes you turn tail and climb out the bathroom window (I will not admit to or deny this).

So, welcome to my brand of crazy. The kind of crazy that I only encounter. The kind of crazy that no one seems to believe exists. The kinda of crazy that invites you over to Thanksgiving dinner after knowing you for about 3 minutes....okay maybe I embellished a little there, but you get my point.